HOW TO SPOT, THEN AVOID A BIKE COURIER

Hooley Dooley.
Bicycle Couriers are a total breed unto themselves aren't they?

The hard core, rustic, rusted, born cyclists that clearly know how they look and feel how they're seen.

If you've ever been in the CBD and your vision is momentarily blurred by a mess of backpack + tattoo ink + bushy beard in the wind, chances are you've just been in the presence of a BC.
Fast. Stealthy. Devils.
I'm convinced Speed 3 the movie will be based on Bike Couriers because these guys n.e.v.e.r s.t.o.p p.e.d.a.l.i.n.g
It's like an oath they take from the moment they saddle up.

So it's generally a situation of get out of the way, or get pancaked.
Don't believe that can happen?
You should.
Because it can...happen.

People need to know how to stroll the CBD whilst avoiding these creatures that swoop harder than a magpie.

Here's your go-to safety guide of how to Spot, then Avoid a Bike Courier.

1. LISTEN FOR THE JINGLE JANGLE

Rock-climbers probably think they're pretty cool with their purple carabiners hanging loose.
Bike Couriers think they're cooler.
It's like a game of 'How many keys can a carabiner hold before it explodes?'
As a game, it's no scrabble, put it that way, but let them have their fun.
Add on a chain lock dumped across the shoulders and these guys are starting to rattle like the tin can of a charity worker.
It's this very noise that our aural senses need to pick up early to have the best chance of avoiding that fatal collision.

Image source [click here]

2. SEE STICKER - STEP BACK

Remember when you were a kid and sticker books were the bee's pajamas? Those days never ended for Bike Couriers, the only difference is, instead of a book, the now have a bike. And instead of stickers of cartoon cats and cars, they've got stickers of brands that may as well have never existed, and others with four letters and ill-intentions.
But generally these stickers and drowning with Pantone Colours, so when you see that rainbow, step back and count to five. By that time the danger should have passed and you can cross the road with calm resolve.

Image source [click here]

3. A GREAT BIG BUSHY BEARD

Look at a majority of cyclists and you'll be able to see their chins. If you look at a cyclist and you don't see a chin, be warned.
Of course this isn't the case 100% of the time, so how do you make that final distinction between a safe bet, and a pancaking? Simple. Beard oil.
Is that face bush deliciously groomed?
Does it look like someone's stuck a cosy cushion onto the bottom of their head?
Bingo, it's a bloody Bike Courier.

4. CALVES THAT COULD KILL

This doesn't meant they're massive hulking calves that could flatten a rat. No, quite the contrary, they can be of a normal or even delicate size.
But they'll always be sharp enough to cut through glass.
They're almost like a cut diamond in their perfection. Reflecting, refracting and dispersing the light.
Hypnotic.

Image source [click here]

5. DENIM/CARGO + RIPS

Doesn't matter if it's shorts or jeans, just look for denim or cargo.
If there's at least 36% skin showing through (deliberate) wear and tear holes, you're onto a courier.
The silver bullet is if there's a tattoo of a sparrow, or a ship in high seas framed neatly in the hole. That's when you know you're onto the queen bee. If this courier dies, all others die too. It's a jungle out there.

So that's that.
Generally we can apply animal instinct to these increasingly apparent reptiles. Like a snake, if you stay outta their territory they won't bite. The problem is when they come into your territory, at which point, call a professional to come with a long stick and a hessian bag.

In the meantime, happy walking.