Tour time - and I've only just started.

So, Le Tour starts tomorrow and before now I haven't even mentioned it.
Does that make me the worst cycling blogger going around?
Surely the one post I should be putting my time into is a post about the biggest cycling event in the world, and one that has grown dramatically in relevance in our land down under. But I haven't. So now, 33 hours out from the start of the race, I start the writing. Whoops.

Given my time restrictions I was wondering what would be the most unique, untouched and interesting thing to write.
Maybe I could preview the race? Cause that slots perfectly into the aforementioned categories except for the fact that it doesn't.

Should I write a Top 5 survival guide to making sure your viewing experience is a success? Yeah, that'd fit nicely with the 43,562,781 other 'top 5' posts cast out as 'link bait' every day.

I could ride my own Tour simultaneous to the pro's and cover it entirely in tweets.

Day 1, EPO shot 1/12. Feelin pretty razzed and forgot where the start line is,

started anyway and now I'm in Scotland. 

#lost #epogogo #that'swhatallthebuzzwasabout

My 24 followers would go mental for that sort of thing.

Instead, in my time-dependent desperation, I've chosen to analyse a few of the lesser knowns of this years Tour. Largely because noone else will, giving me unique material considered inadequate for reporting by the mainstream media.

Let us begin…

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Here's a picture of one of the Schleck brothers casually holding up the bicycle Trek Factory Racing will be using. No big deal, just holding up my insanely expensive machine like it's a feather. I have no idea which of the Schleck brothers it is because I'm not convinced there wasn't originally only one and the other cloned, Dolly the sheep style. 

They're the antonym of 'spot the difference' puzzles. Anyway, at first we might marvel at the lightness of the bike, but what we really should be doing is gasping in awe. Have you seen a cyclist's arms recently? No? That's because they barely exist. You'd be hard pressed to find a bone in there let alone a bicep. This is not a feat of engineering, it's a feat of strongman-esque strength cycling style. I know Frank was on some of the good stuff before, maybe it hasn't left his system following the 1 year ban. Or is that Andy? I mean Dolly. Whatever, I'm confused.

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If your design staff come back to you with a kit that looks like someone desperately needed the bathroom, didn't make it, lived through the horrific, rare, event of no toilet-paper and so turned to the only other material they had - just don't green light it. Just don't. When people call this a shit design, they're to be taken literally.

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Alternatively, IAM, you nailed it. I'd have given you the wildcard entry on your kit design alone.

What else do we need to speak about? An alarm of course. Too many nights I've become all too snug in front of the cycling and dropped off into my scrumptious slumber only to wake to the sounds of:

"And next on SBS, the intriguing 3 hour documentary about the push to make

fishing Guatemala's national sport."

Or something of the sort. I'm not trying to discredit the Guatemala Association for Frequent Fishing (GAFF), but it is somewhat dispiriting to snooze while pure athletes smash 75km p/hr down the straight and instead wake to:

"Hola. Hay pescado aqui?"

"No."

"Gracias."

Narrator: "A sure sign that times are hard, and getting seemingly worse at this particular pier." 

If you want to ensure you're awake throughout the whole stage, here's a tip my brother recently offered. 

INGREDIENTS:

1 spoon.

1 hand with opposable thumb.

Patience.

DIRECTIONS:

Stand (watching the television in this case), hold the spoon in a relaxed manner utilising your opposable thumb, have your arm at a right angle gently resting by your side. As you begin to nod off you'll drop the spoon, thereby waking you up, allowing you to continue the viewing pleasure. 

Let's be honest and say it's ok if people are dropping in and out of sleep through the stage, cycling after all isn't exactly a Charlie Sheen kinda sport, in other words, a score-a-minute stuff. 

So enjoy tomorrow (night, if you're in my part of the world) and let's stay in touch throughout what will hopefully be another amazing Tour.

My Tour predictions:

Most arrogant tool - Peter Sagan

Worst weather stage(s) - 1, 2, 3  (when the race is in England).

Worst team kit - If you read this far you'll already know.

Winner at the end - Everyone, cause just to compete is winning already.

Thanks for reading guys!

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