PRIVATE VIDEOS FOR MY WIFE: PLEASE DON'T WATCH

You know those height limit barriers that are designed to let you know when your car/truck won't fit in that carpark?
You know bicycles when they're on roof racks?
You know that phrase an Unstoppable Force meeting an Immovable Object?
Well in this case the Object was moveable. The object being my Swift Carbon.

And as a result of this I'm now a member of a prestigious club. This isn't the sort of club that once you're in you shout it from the rooftops, like the Mile High Club, once you join here you bottle that shit up and keep it very much to yourself.
This club is officially named the 'I stupidly smashed my bike because I forgot it was on the roof of my car when I was going under a height barrier.'
Or more simply - The ISSBBFRCWWGUHB Club

And all of this, the entire episode, happened the day before my entry in the Great Ocean and Otway Classic ride.
I was locked in to ride 140km, but when your bike is in a worse state than Keith Richards liver, that aint happening.

Thank god for the team @ Bike Matters Torquay (website) who provided me with a delicious Specialized Tarmac at the eleventh hour. It was the only bike they had available for hire and it was in my size, talk about bittersweet.

I didn't even take a picture of my bike post-smashing because I was in such shock.

Think of it this way:
Your loving dog passes away but that Dog Show you already signed up and paid for is tomorrow! You find the nearest dog shop and hire a pretty replacement so you can still compete.
Then you decide to take a photo of the deceased dog so you can show people later............getting me?.......too much?........bit weird? That's fair.

I didn't even get a pic days later when I got rid of the frame.
Realising this was a mistake I swung past the local Police Sketch Artist and got them to bang out this accurate representation for me.

They're really very professional in there. Brilliant at what they do.

The Specialized Tarmac I was on for the ride.

 (I know any bike photographer worth their salt will say you're supposed to take pics drivetrain side, but bear in mind this was mere hours after I'd completely destroyed my actual bike. I wasn't thinking straight.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.
The ride was great. The inclement weather wasn't, but considering it was the first decent ride I'd done in over a month and I managed to smash up a frame the day before, I was pretty happy with my efforts and you take the wins when you can.

Along the way I decided to video message my wife some updates.
They are extremely personal in nature and delve into topics only married couples should share.
I implore anyone that has read this far (both of you) to not watch the below. My wife and I have a very saucy relationship that doesn't follow the standard script. We convey emotion to one another on a layer that many wouldn't find in an onion, it's that deep.

Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes.

VIDEO UPDATE #1
(Wife, a short poem to thee: Wife, let us grow slow together - like thick grass. Poem end)

You shouldn't have watched that. It's not respectful behaviour. I'll thank you to leave it at that.

VIDEO UPDATE #2

(Dear wife, I rest upon thee all the love and glory one can shower in decently)

Ok, awesome, great, Good. On. You. So you watched the first two extremely private and saucy in nature videos. Well done Sir, I hope you're proud. Steer clear of the third though, because it's probably the deepest emotional state I've ever explored in a self-reflective induced exercise coma. All thoughts are my own and I reserve the rights to them.

Thanks for reading! (not for watching)