The Big ASSOS LIE!

Look, before we do anything here, it's worth mentioning to start that Assos have changed their branding of late and the Models below are no longer the House Red so to speak. The company's since experienced a light bulb moment and decided soft porn was best left to Page 3.

Now the Man on the left, whoever he may be, has played a large role in some of the most defining years of my life by simple virtue of the fact that I'm a cyclist, and I know how to Online Shop. But before I explore what impact he may be having on my life right now, I wanna look behind the model a little more.

Is this a 'man' or the most impressive mannequin ever?
If it is a man, why is he standing like a plastic doll?
Tight cycling kit compressing your bits or not, these are weird positions.

Maybe he's paralysed by fear? Possibly kept in a hole and forced to put the lotion on his skin ahead of the next Spring line shoot?
Because he looks a little too lifeless, you know what I mean? Like he may have had personality once upon a time, but being fed, watered and hosed in a deep hole 24/7 has left him with less expression than a weatherboard house.

"Hey Boss, think I've found the perfect model for the upcoming Spring line shoot."
       "Oh great, where'd you find him."
"A hole out the back room of my house. But don't stress, he takes good care of him self, and he's pretty buff to boot."
        "Just a little concerned when you say 'hole' and don't stress in the same sentence?"

But before we enlightened reader's judge, let's explore the PRO's v CON's 

PROS: Doesn't speak 
No questions 
Requires little food or water 
Knows photo-shoot positions 1 through 10 by heart.

CONS:
Lives in a hole.
Gotta keep a secret from HR (#TooEasy)

How can you possibly say no!?

The point of it all is, this Man(nequin) has helped define me.
See, I'm the type to believe the branding hook, line and sinker.

"So if I ride a bike and wear Assos gear I become The Terminator? Great, where do I sign?"

Well I've been cycling for about 9 years now, and yes I have been wearing Assos kit, but here's the thing, it's not stopping my Early Onset Dad Bod (it's a thing, be alert not alarmed).
Despite being a new father I thought I'd be safe, but things aren't developing quite as I'd expected or hoped. So here we go. Here it is. Let's explore...

THE BIG ASSOS LIE

**WARNING**
Pictorial Truth Bombs about to be dropped

Let's start gently with a very simple front on display.
Now the photographers amongst you would pick up on the terrible lighting and that could be working against me. And hey, you might actually be right. Maybe my insanely ripped rig with hundreds of abs and arms that are so cut you could slice cheese on them is hidden in shadow.

This is where the excuses start to flap in the wind.
My position is nowhere near as crisp as his, but if it was, those soft edges of mine are gonna start drawing attention where they're not supposed to.

Game over man, game over.
See ya later.
Thanks for playing.

This dad bod's all over me like a cheap suit.
A'well, I'm not gonna complain too much. Let me be clear, I know I'm not drastically overweight! I'm just saying the ASSOS man and I have different paths to tread, different roads to ride.
And you know what? That's ok.
So in the meantime, I'll embrace that Dad Bod, and embrace my passion for cycling, and when ASSOS come knocking looking for real models, I won't say no
😉

Thanks for reading!