Booties are the best - here's why!

Are Booties the single greatest weapon in your Winter-kit arsenal?
Don't answer that.
I will for you.
Yes. Yes is the answer.

First things first, Booties is a fun word to say. Full stop.
But seriously, their positive impact on your Winter ride is literally off the charts.*

These two little champions are your greatest weapon in the fight against whatever Winter throws your way.
Cold? Wet? Frost? No. Stress.
Booties'll stick up the elbows, press on and drag your tootsies with 'em.

Also, for the quirkier amongst us, maybe give them a little personality.
Maybe call one of them Gerard and the other Cecile?
Maybe have little chats with them on those long n lonely solo rides when all you want's an ear to listen to life's hardships?
Maybe they'll become a perfect substitute to fill the void left by that puppy mum and dad never let you have no matter how much you begged and cried and rolled on the floor kicking up one of the all time best tantrums...maybe.
But I wouldn't know because I DEFINITELY never did that.

So put your frostbite away and stick it in storage, because these guys are in your corner and that's all you need to know.

Thanks for reading!

*(Largely because there is no chart in the first place but let's ignore those inconvenient truths.)

The Big ASSOS LIE!

Look, before we do anything here, it's worth mentioning to start that Assos have changed their branding of late and the Models below are no longer the House Red so to speak. The company's since experienced a light bulb moment and decided soft porn was best left to Page 3.

Now the Man on the left, whoever he may be, has played a large role in some of the most defining years of my life by simple virtue of the fact that I'm a cyclist, and I know how to Online Shop. But before I explore what impact he may be having on my life right now, I wanna look behind the model a little more.

Is this a 'man' or the most impressive mannequin ever?
If it is a man, why is he standing like a plastic doll?
Tight cycling kit compressing your bits or not, these are weird positions.

Maybe he's paralysed by fear? Possibly kept in a hole and forced to put the lotion on his skin ahead of the next Spring line shoot?
Because he looks a little too lifeless, you know what I mean? Like he may have had personality once upon a time, but being fed, watered and hosed in a deep hole 24/7 has left him with less expression than a weatherboard house.

"Hey Boss, think I've found the perfect model for the upcoming Spring line shoot."
       "Oh great, where'd you find him."
"A hole out the back room of my house. But don't stress, he takes good care of him self, and he's pretty buff to boot."
        "Just a little concerned when you say 'hole' and don't stress in the same sentence?"

But before we enlightened reader's judge, let's explore the PRO's v CON's 

PROS: Doesn't speak 
No questions 
Requires little food or water 
Knows photo-shoot positions 1 through 10 by heart.

CONS:
Lives in a hole.
Gotta keep a secret from HR (#TooEasy)

How can you possibly say no!?

The point of it all is, this Man(nequin) has helped define me.
See, I'm the type to believe the branding hook, line and sinker.

"So if I ride a bike and wear Assos gear I become The Terminator? Great, where do I sign?"

Well I've been cycling for about 9 years now, and yes I have been wearing Assos kit, but here's the thing, it's not stopping my Early Onset Dad Bod (it's a thing, be alert not alarmed).
Despite being a new father I thought I'd be safe, but things aren't developing quite as I'd expected or hoped. So here we go. Here it is. Let's explore...

THE BIG ASSOS LIE

**WARNING**
Pictorial Truth Bombs about to be dropped

Let's start gently with a very simple front on display.
Now the photographers amongst you would pick up on the terrible lighting and that could be working against me. And hey, you might actually be right. Maybe my insanely ripped rig with hundreds of abs and arms that are so cut you could slice cheese on them is hidden in shadow.

This is where the excuses start to flap in the wind.
My position is nowhere near as crisp as his, but if it was, those soft edges of mine are gonna start drawing attention where they're not supposed to.

Game over man, game over.
See ya later.
Thanks for playing.

This dad bod's all over me like a cheap suit.
A'well, I'm not gonna complain too much. Let me be clear, I know I'm not drastically overweight! I'm just saying the ASSOS man and I have different paths to tread, different roads to ride.
And you know what? That's ok.
So in the meantime, I'll embrace that Dad Bod, and embrace my passion for cycling, and when ASSOS come knocking looking for real models, I won't say no
😉

Thanks for reading!

5 MUST HAVES IN ANY SADDLE BAG

There's so many articles about what one should pack in their saddle bag.
But so many of them miss the point.
See, punctures are a bitch, but there's always a friendly soul, or a convenient bike shop close by.
What you really need in a saddle bag are the following...


1. SELFIE STICK-

It's hard to hold your phone and operate the camera and take the snap and keep it focused. So this year, I'm packing a selfie stick ready for the grams.

Here's a warning shot of a selfie without the stick:

2. A MUG OF CONCRETE + A SHOULDER TO CRY ON

Let me put it this way - I'm not a complainer when it comes to hurting on the bike.
...
Well, not often.
...
Well, I complain a bit but I keep it to myself.
...
I complain a fair amount but not heaps more than your average.
...
I do complain though.
...
When it's cold.
...
Heaps.
...
In my head.
...
Nah, out loud.
...

I'm softer than the fur on a new born colt. 

Someone get this man a Mug, STAT!

3.HAND SANITISER (waterless of course!)

I'm no germaphobe, but you don't need to be to understand that any time you enter a public toilet, you'll be leaving with more than you came in with. Bugs. Lots and lots of dirty bugs.

Question without notice: How many feces NOT in the toilet does a Council need to see before they decide to refill the soap dispenser? In my experience, apparently heaps.

So if you don't want more bed-bugs than a backpackers bunk accompanying you on your ride home, get some squeegee.

P.S What's going on in this pic? Why is there a Question mark after 'Handwash'? And why is wash faded out, that leaves it reading as How to Hand. Bizarre.

4. COURAGE

The courage to start a dialogue with that cyclist that's out on the open road with absolutely no idea how faded and see-through their knicks have become.
Years of heavy work and hearty sweat in the saddle has made those butt cheeks look good, but not everyone in the slipstream needs to be 'copping an eyeful of the peach' as they say.
So if you swing up alongside a worn-out traveler, just dip into your saddle bag, pinch a sprinkle of that courage out and let them know it might be time to re-invest in some new kit.

5. A BIG HEART FULLA JOY

"Get off the road!"
"Scum!"
"Nice lycra Dickhead!"
"Hi, I'm a NSW's Politician and cyclists suck, am I right!?"
"My daughter rides a tricylce with training wheels and she's just learning and it's a really rewarding experience for me as a father and I love her but it doesn't change the fact that I hate you being in my God Damned Car Lane!"

Ahhhhh....the bike....what a joyous place to be.

Thanks for reading.