I condone the veldrome

Do you remember those bikes you learnt to ride on?

The one's with sparkly tassels on the handlebars that would cry "Universe Boss" wherever you go?

But more importantly, the ones where if you pushed the pedals backwards it was like slamming on the handbrake in a car. 

Well turns out those bikes exist for adults, and they come in the form of Track Bikes. 

Generally they exist at the Velodrome, and if you get really, really good at riding they'll tend to look like this...

[image source]

I'm not so good as to warrant an absolute torpedo of a bike, but I have been to a Velodrome, and it's there that I got my first taste of -

"Oh my god the pedals don't stop turning and there's no brakes and the bank at each end of the track is on a 42% angle which is absolutely mental if we're talking OH&S."

This picture doesn't do it justice, but riding on the steepest part of the bank for the first time was an amazing experience. To give you some idea of riding on a 42% angle, you feel as though with every turn of the pedals your outside foot's gonna cultivate those floorboards. 

It's one of those times where you don't question what's happening you just close your eyes, keep calm and ride on. 

Then hope that when you open your eyes again you're not looking up to the sky while your mangled bike pops the walls of your femoral artery like a balloon.

Luckily, that didn't happen to me and I had an amazing day at Cycling Victoria doing a test track-session.I'd highly recommend it if you haven't ridden one of these bikes since, well....this....

image source

Can I just say with reference to the above bike, thank god someone's finally designed a training bike for 3-4 year olds with a bottle cage attached. I mean seriously, just because they're too young to be able to balance independently, doesn't mean they're not punching out some serious K's. If you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated. #healthbomb

One small thing I'd just like to touch on, with that calm air of constructive criticism, is the signage.

In my younger days when I was super cool I used to watch the lawn bowls of a Saturday afternoon on the ABC, which gives me the educated right to say that this sign is horrifically misplaced. You don't need Bruce McAvaney's sport knowledge to spot this red flag.

And I can't believe that it's a simple case of a mishap made by the work experience kid. That heavy duty tape with the moderate degree of wear and tear suggest that things been there a while.

But hey, at the end of the day who really cares, if someone wants to play some lawn bowls on the 'drome, C'est la vie, just mind that 42% slope, cause it's gonna throw your bias way out.

Thanks for reading!

Booties are the best - here's why!

Are Booties the single greatest weapon in your Winter-kit arsenal?
Don't answer that.
I will for you.
Yes. Yes is the answer.

First things first, Booties is a fun word to say. Full stop.
But seriously, their positive impact on your Winter ride is literally off the charts.*

These two little champions are your greatest weapon in the fight against whatever Winter throws your way.
Cold? Wet? Frost? No. Stress.
Booties'll stick up the elbows, press on and drag your tootsies with 'em.

Also, for the quirkier amongst us, maybe give them a little personality.
Maybe call one of them Gerard and the other Cecile?
Maybe have little chats with them on those long n lonely solo rides when all you want's an ear to listen to life's hardships?
Maybe they'll become a perfect substitute to fill the void left by that puppy mum and dad never let you have no matter how much you begged and cried and rolled on the floor kicking up one of the all time best tantrums...maybe.
But I wouldn't know because I DEFINITELY never did that.

So put your frostbite away and stick it in storage, because these guys are in your corner and that's all you need to know.

Thanks for reading!

*(Largely because there is no chart in the first place but let's ignore those inconvenient truths.)

The Big ASSOS LIE!

Look, before we do anything here, it's worth mentioning to start that Assos have changed their branding of late and the Models below are no longer the House Red so to speak. The company's since experienced a light bulb moment and decided soft porn was best left to Page 3.

Now the Man on the left, whoever he may be, has played a large role in some of the most defining years of my life by simple virtue of the fact that I'm a cyclist, and I know how to Online Shop. But before I explore what impact he may be having on my life right now, I wanna look behind the model a little more.

Is this a 'man' or the most impressive mannequin ever?
If it is a man, why is he standing like a plastic doll?
Tight cycling kit compressing your bits or not, these are weird positions.

Maybe he's paralysed by fear? Possibly kept in a hole and forced to put the lotion on his skin ahead of the next Spring line shoot?
Because he looks a little too lifeless, you know what I mean? Like he may have had personality once upon a time, but being fed, watered and hosed in a deep hole 24/7 has left him with less expression than a weatherboard house.

"Hey Boss, think I've found the perfect model for the upcoming Spring line shoot."
       "Oh great, where'd you find him."
"A hole out the back room of my house. But don't stress, he takes good care of him self, and he's pretty buff to boot."
        "Just a little concerned when you say 'hole' and don't stress in the same sentence?"

But before we enlightened reader's judge, let's explore the PRO's v CON's 

PROS: Doesn't speak 
No questions 
Requires little food or water 
Knows photo-shoot positions 1 through 10 by heart.

CONS:
Lives in a hole.
Gotta keep a secret from HR (#TooEasy)

How can you possibly say no!?

The point of it all is, this Man(nequin) has helped define me.
See, I'm the type to believe the branding hook, line and sinker.

"So if I ride a bike and wear Assos gear I become The Terminator? Great, where do I sign?"

Well I've been cycling for about 9 years now, and yes I have been wearing Assos kit, but here's the thing, it's not stopping my Early Onset Dad Bod (it's a thing, be alert not alarmed).
Despite being a new father I thought I'd be safe, but things aren't developing quite as I'd expected or hoped. So here we go. Here it is. Let's explore...

THE BIG ASSOS LIE

**WARNING**
Pictorial Truth Bombs about to be dropped

Let's start gently with a very simple front on display.
Now the photographers amongst you would pick up on the terrible lighting and that could be working against me. And hey, you might actually be right. Maybe my insanely ripped rig with hundreds of abs and arms that are so cut you could slice cheese on them is hidden in shadow.

This is where the excuses start to flap in the wind.
My position is nowhere near as crisp as his, but if it was, those soft edges of mine are gonna start drawing attention where they're not supposed to.

Game over man, game over.
See ya later.
Thanks for playing.

This dad bod's all over me like a cheap suit.
A'well, I'm not gonna complain too much. Let me be clear, I know I'm not drastically overweight! I'm just saying the ASSOS man and I have different paths to tread, different roads to ride.
And you know what? That's ok.
So in the meantime, I'll embrace that Dad Bod, and embrace my passion for cycling, and when ASSOS come knocking looking for real models, I won't say no
😉

Thanks for reading!

PRIVATE VIDEOS FOR MY WIFE: PLEASE DON'T WATCH

You know those height limit barriers that are designed to let you know when your car/truck won't fit in that carpark?
You know bicycles when they're on roof racks?
You know that phrase an Unstoppable Force meeting an Immovable Object?
Well in this case the Object was moveable. The object being my Swift Carbon.

And as a result of this I'm now a member of a prestigious club. This isn't the sort of club that once you're in you shout it from the rooftops, like the Mile High Club, once you join here you bottle that shit up and keep it very much to yourself.
This club is officially named the 'I stupidly smashed my bike because I forgot it was on the roof of my car when I was going under a height barrier.'
Or more simply - The ISSBBFRCWWGUHB Club

And all of this, the entire episode, happened the day before my entry in the Great Ocean and Otway Classic ride.
I was locked in to ride 140km, but when your bike is in a worse state than Keith Richards liver, that aint happening.

Thank god for the team @ Bike Matters Torquay (website) who provided me with a delicious Specialized Tarmac at the eleventh hour. It was the only bike they had available for hire and it was in my size, talk about bittersweet.

I didn't even take a picture of my bike post-smashing because I was in such shock.

Think of it this way:
Your loving dog passes away but that Dog Show you already signed up and paid for is tomorrow! You find the nearest dog shop and hire a pretty replacement so you can still compete.
Then you decide to take a photo of the deceased dog so you can show people later............getting me?.......too much?........bit weird? That's fair.

I didn't even get a pic days later when I got rid of the frame.
Realising this was a mistake I swung past the local Police Sketch Artist and got them to bang out this accurate representation for me.

They're really very professional in there. Brilliant at what they do.

The Specialized Tarmac I was on for the ride.

 (I know any bike photographer worth their salt will say you're supposed to take pics drivetrain side, but bear in mind this was mere hours after I'd completely destroyed my actual bike. I wasn't thinking straight.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway.
The ride was great. The inclement weather wasn't, but considering it was the first decent ride I'd done in over a month and I managed to smash up a frame the day before, I was pretty happy with my efforts and you take the wins when you can.

Along the way I decided to video message my wife some updates.
They are extremely personal in nature and delve into topics only married couples should share.
I implore anyone that has read this far (both of you) to not watch the below. My wife and I have a very saucy relationship that doesn't follow the standard script. We convey emotion to one another on a layer that many wouldn't find in an onion, it's that deep.

Thank you in advance for respecting my wishes.

VIDEO UPDATE #1
(Wife, a short poem to thee: Wife, let us grow slow together - like thick grass. Poem end)

You shouldn't have watched that. It's not respectful behaviour. I'll thank you to leave it at that.

VIDEO UPDATE #2

(Dear wife, I rest upon thee all the love and glory one can shower in decently)

Ok, awesome, great, Good. On. You. So you watched the first two extremely private and saucy in nature videos. Well done Sir, I hope you're proud. Steer clear of the third though, because it's probably the deepest emotional state I've ever explored in a self-reflective induced exercise coma. All thoughts are my own and I reserve the rights to them.

Thanks for reading! (not for watching)