A battle of lycra…no, of Gladiators.

I'm a big fan of SBS's Cycling Central. It's got great, relevant content and a heap of quality articles.

I also love the movie Gladiator and its amazing soundtrack, thanks Enya*. 
Now Cycling Central has brought me christmas in July and delivered two loves in one package. Watch this link then come back to me.

[…………..….30secs…………..….1min….1min8secs…..1min19secs……..And you're back]

How amazing is that?
No, how 'deep' is that!? Cycling made so dramatic with Enya/Gladiator inspired music.
Who knew that the modern-day peloton and slaves, forced to fight one another in barbaric contests for the joy of the bloodthirsty crowd, were so similar? "Not I" we all chime in chorus.
Never in all my viewings of Rusty Crowe in chains- and there have been many - did I draw the comparison.
When I was watching the movie for the first time as a 13 year old boy (not girl), I never thought, 'You know what they should have instead of these horse-drawn carts?' Bicycles. Yep, a couple sweet carbon steeds between the thighs would make this flesh-torn colosseum scene complete. Throw that shield away, stitch a padded chamois in his gusset and let him deflect mortal blows with his arse.
For those struggling, that last sentence loosely translates to: 

Put him in a pair of those stupid shorts with the pillow in the arse.

I'm starting to think there was more to that film than Director Ridley Scott was letting on. Is it just mere coincidence that his name is comprised of two major bicycle brands?

This link is too big to ignore? Cue The Twilight Zone please.

And here I was thinking the movie was just exploring simple ideas like redemption, duty/honour and a bit of racial equality.

IT'S SO MUCH MORE.

Oh yeah, and the Tour de France is still on, Cavendish = out. Massive shame but great for Aussie Mark Renshaw to get the chance to step up.

For those interested here's an update of my Tour de Twitter which I briefly mentioned in my last post.

Day 3. EPO shot 2/12. 6 steaks for dinner. Got a call after from an unknown number. 

Some Texan wants to be mates.

‪#byebyeUK ‪#hellocustoms

Previous post: Tour time - and I've only just started

*As far as I can research, Enya wasn't actually involved in the Soundtrack for the film in any way. But any music that makes me feel like I'm walking in a rainforest with happy little creatures hopping around and the smell of fresh rain is Enya.

Tour time - and I've only just started.

So, Le Tour starts tomorrow and before now I haven't even mentioned it.
Does that make me the worst cycling blogger going around?
Surely the one post I should be putting my time into is a post about the biggest cycling event in the world, and one that has grown dramatically in relevance in our land down under. But I haven't. So now, 33 hours out from the start of the race, I start the writing. Whoops.

Given my time restrictions I was wondering what would be the most unique, untouched and interesting thing to write.
Maybe I could preview the race? Cause that slots perfectly into the aforementioned categories except for the fact that it doesn't.

Should I write a Top 5 survival guide to making sure your viewing experience is a success? Yeah, that'd fit nicely with the 43,562,781 other 'top 5' posts cast out as 'link bait' every day.

I could ride my own Tour simultaneous to the pro's and cover it entirely in tweets.

Day 1, EPO shot 1/12. Feelin pretty razzed and forgot where the start line is,

started anyway and now I'm in Scotland. 

#lost #epogogo #that'swhatallthebuzzwasabout

My 24 followers would go mental for that sort of thing.

Instead, in my time-dependent desperation, I've chosen to analyse a few of the lesser knowns of this years Tour. Largely because noone else will, giving me unique material considered inadequate for reporting by the mainstream media.

Let us begin…

Image source

Here's a picture of one of the Schleck brothers casually holding up the bicycle Trek Factory Racing will be using. No big deal, just holding up my insanely expensive machine like it's a feather. I have no idea which of the Schleck brothers it is because I'm not convinced there wasn't originally only one and the other cloned, Dolly the sheep style. 

They're the antonym of 'spot the difference' puzzles. Anyway, at first we might marvel at the lightness of the bike, but what we really should be doing is gasping in awe. Have you seen a cyclist's arms recently? No? That's because they barely exist. You'd be hard pressed to find a bone in there let alone a bicep. This is not a feat of engineering, it's a feat of strongman-esque strength cycling style. I know Frank was on some of the good stuff before, maybe it hasn't left his system following the 1 year ban. Or is that Andy? I mean Dolly. Whatever, I'm confused.

Image source

If your design staff come back to you with a kit that looks like someone desperately needed the bathroom, didn't make it, lived through the horrific, rare, event of no toilet-paper and so turned to the only other material they had - just don't green light it. Just don't. When people call this a shit design, they're to be taken literally.

Image source

Alternatively, IAM, you nailed it. I'd have given you the wildcard entry on your kit design alone.

What else do we need to speak about? An alarm of course. Too many nights I've become all too snug in front of the cycling and dropped off into my scrumptious slumber only to wake to the sounds of:

"And next on SBS, the intriguing 3 hour documentary about the push to make

fishing Guatemala's national sport."

Or something of the sort. I'm not trying to discredit the Guatemala Association for Frequent Fishing (GAFF), but it is somewhat dispiriting to snooze while pure athletes smash 75km p/hr down the straight and instead wake to:

"Hola. Hay pescado aqui?"

"No."

"Gracias."

Narrator: "A sure sign that times are hard, and getting seemingly worse at this particular pier." 

If you want to ensure you're awake throughout the whole stage, here's a tip my brother recently offered. 

INGREDIENTS:

1 spoon.

1 hand with opposable thumb.

Patience.

DIRECTIONS:

Stand (watching the television in this case), hold the spoon in a relaxed manner utilising your opposable thumb, have your arm at a right angle gently resting by your side. As you begin to nod off you'll drop the spoon, thereby waking you up, allowing you to continue the viewing pleasure. 

Let's be honest and say it's ok if people are dropping in and out of sleep through the stage, cycling after all isn't exactly a Charlie Sheen kinda sport, in other words, a score-a-minute stuff. 

So enjoy tomorrow (night, if you're in my part of the world) and let's stay in touch throughout what will hopefully be another amazing Tour.

My Tour predictions:

Most arrogant tool - Peter Sagan

Worst weather stage(s) - 1, 2, 3  (when the race is in England).

Worst team kit - If you read this far you'll already know.

Winner at the end - Everyone, cause just to compete is winning already.

Thanks for reading guys!

Previous post: A sweet Roubaix 2014

A sweet Roobaix 2014

Did the Melburn Roobaix last Sunday.
Loved it, great fun and managed to see a whole heap of the city that I wouldn't normally.
What I didn't love, was this:

For those that may not understand, basically that's Melbourne, beneath the pretty coloured circle almost dead centre. The less blue and more red those colours are means the more rain that was smashing down into the very depths of my socks. The other colourful circle to the lower left, was moving up and to the right, directly over our route. This was the wettest day I've spent on a bike since I rode off a pier for shits and giggles.

The Melburn Roobaix is in it's 9th year and is known as 'The Hell of the Northcote.' Possibly some false advertising right there considering I don't think there's that much rain in hell, unless it's raining fire...of course, I shoulda thought of that. 

Back to the point, it's an awesome concept that is obviously based on the Paris-Roubaix, just spelt better. So we hit the road and when there's cobbles, puddles and mud mixing with old, skinny, worn tyres and brakes, the concept gets a whole heap more Roobaixy. Here's the ride in all it's blurry, unclear, zoomed out glory.

I'll just take a moment to say, if your Steed for the day had tyres like this….You're kinda cheating. 

I don't want to presume anything about people's choices of bicycle/dune buggy, but I'm pretty sure the idea is to struggle through the cobbled sectors, not float above them. 

At the other extreme, some gentlemen seemed to feel a vasectomy was a bit pricey and so chose a bike to get the job done instead.

This bike + cobbles = unprofessional
yet effective medical procedure.

But hey, we were all there for fun! And from this came an amazing sense of camaraderie between participants, all caught out by mother nature who's obviously a driver at heart. 

Figured by now I should have posted a picture of the Cobbles.

Now, I was dressed fairly sensibly, going with my amazing jacket that spits the rain back, some comfortable shorts, and toe covers for my boots. 

At the start with Angela who I rode with.
I'm looking suitably daggy.

Some people however, decided to go ahead and saddle up in some less-than-appropriate clothing. Many of the costumes were great, but the slight chuckle surely wasn't worth what must have been one of the most uncomfortable rides in the history of bikes. Despicable him indeed. 

Here's my Roobaix list:

1. I didn't stack. Not once. Oh yeah! Now that's a win right there. I went close but fortunately directed myself into a wall and so remained upright. A shallow victory some may say considering I technically 'fell' into a wall, and hey, you're probably right.

2. Please refer to the pic below…

The last point on the Roobaix's list of 'rules' was entirely appropriate to the bastard who deliberately drove his/he car through a puddle in order to spray Ange and I. 

"Yes, you at the back there."

                           "Did he get you?"

"Yes. Yes he/she did. But, let us not forget how completely saturated we already were so jokes on them. Sorta."

3. If you end up riding under city link with no other participating cyclists in sight, chances are you've gone the wrong way. Stick to the path and simply follow everyone else pedalling in front of you.

My attempts at reading a map have always been particularly flawed, and the dark underbelly of this was exposed repeatedly during the ride. More often than not we'd just wait for another bunch to ride past and follow them hoping they were heading in the right/desired direction.

4. This one comes in two parts, (a) If you're taking photo's on a rainy day, chances are you'll get some water on the lens, giving your shot a distinctly 'instagrammy' effect. Account for this pre-photo. (b) Once you've finished remember, beer is cold, if your core temperature is threatening hypothermia, it will not warm you up.

5. And finally, when posing for your photo at the end, make sure you look like a bit of a dick for fun's sake.

To get more info on the Melburn Roobaix check out their website:

http://fyxo.co/melburn-roobaix/

As a sign off I'd like to clarify that rain is invisible in photo's, but also I tended not to get the phone out for snaps when it was bucketing down. Therfore, my constant mentioning but little proof of it is completely _______

Image source

Thanks Justin.

Previous post: Di2, more like DiYes